Looking for Marriage...

My Perfect Women
Written in 2002
by Brian Elles

As I grow older and more mature, I am not as willing to date a beautiful lady simply because of her sexual attraction to myself. My sexual magnetism must be muted. Today I am smarter and have now began my search for “the one.” Let me explain what my princess would look like.
Her buns must take up at least two seats in an airplane. XXXL, that’s the size of women that I want - large and in charge! I think it’s sexy to do a back stroke through the rolls on her stomach. She has to be nearly blind, hairy, and at least 6’5”. She has to wear early 80’s clothing, mini skirts, or sweat pants everywhere she goes. It would also be perfect if her clothes never matched and if she never wore deodorant. The smell of a fat ladies B.O. flips my switch and always gets my “train” in gear... cho cho baby!
I would most definitely feel safer with a woman who is larger then me. I think it would be so romantic if this women would beat the snot out of any drunk who would try to pick a bar fight with me. I also think it would be very romantic that while in public, she would blame me for her thunderous, obnoxious, foul farts. In my opinion, being blamed for passing gas is extremely cute.
My perfect women would go out and get trashed with out me. It would be so great if she slept around, because she could then become more experienced in which that would be better for me in the long run. My ideal woman would be the most dishonest and unfaithful person on the planet. Hey, who would want the painful truth when instead you can be pumped up with so much bullshit that you would smile for weeks? Now in my opinion, that’s true love!
This woman would have to be balder than I would I am. It would be great if she would publicly humiliate me about how I began loosing my hair at the age of 17. Homer Simpson top tagged with a greasy mullet.
Her occupation must be an exotic dancer. I would be so proud that many men would come watch my love – my hunk of chunk, get freaky on a pole. Hearing all the stories the next day from the guys at work would bring smiles to my face and constantly warm my heart. She would have to be uneducated, be very untidy, and burn every meal she would ever attempt to cook. She would have to believe in either the Arabic religion, Buddhism, or be a Jehovah’s Witness (who wants to celebrate Christmas or your birthday any way?!).
The perfect women would never surprise me nor ever do anything spontaneous. She would have to be predictable and have a very monotone kind of life. Who needs a fun and outgoing future anyways? Who knows where we would meet, maybe at an Amish Barmitsfa or at rugby game she’s playing in. I do know that we will be married by Elvis in a cheap, roach infested, herpes infested LasVegas chapel. Cheap, dirty, and small, it will be my perfect wedding.
If anyone knows someone with ALL these wonderful qualities, please let me know, if not then I shall continue my journey for the PERFECT WOMAN!